My dad is no more!

As the time moved on, the inevitable happened.

My father ((Kodungallur Sudhakara Raja, son of Ikkavutti Thampuratti and Chettani Mekkattu Vasudevan Namboothiri) completed all his duties and responsibilities in this world and left us all, day before yesterday (February 16, 2011) in Delhi (where he lived his last couple of years with my mother, my sister and her family).

He was suffering from Meningioma, and Alzheimer's disease. He was further aflicted with Pneumonia and septisemia in his last days. He was under intensive medical care for about 10 days but he could not survive despite the best medical care we could extend

Born in the royal family of Kodungallur (Kodungallur Kovilakam), he was an expression of unexpressed love and affection of a simple man living true to the great tradition, culture and values of the family.

 A photo with his brother and sisters, taken a couple of years back

A photo with my mother, taken a few years back

His body was cremated in Delhi in Nigam Bodh Ghat.


Our close relative-friends in Delhi were with us through the hard times. Their advice and help all along made our unbearable pain as bearable as can be

Redeeming a moment from archives!

My father (extreme left, middle row) along with his siblings and cousins

From Indira Mandiram, Chirakkal Palace, Kodungallur

A great soul departs!

Fate has made its final assault on physical life of a great soul.

Grim reality of the moment for me is, Maruammavan is no more. My mind is turning numb, recalling concluding lines from Veena Poovu, a classic (which I remember as one of his favorites) from Kumaran Asan:

Kanne Madanguka Karinjumalinjum Aasu
Mannaakumee Malaru Vismruthamaakumippol
Enneedukaarukum Ithu Thaan Gati Saadhaymentu
Kanneerinaal Avanivazhvu Kinaavu, Kashtam

It roughly translate to mean:
Turn way, oh eyes, This flower will decay and desolve into oblivion now
Alas! Know it's everyone's fate, Tears don't help, Worldly life is hard

My memories are taking me years back into a cold winter morning of 19th December 1984! My train was fast approaching Delhi, and I was on way to join for duty for the first time.

Yes, almost as I had completed my studies, I landed on a prestigious job with Government of India. I was filled with the loneliness of going away my home for the first time ever, of the excitement of starting a new independent life and of anxiety of being transplanted into the heart of India from my remote hometown deep south of India.

My parents, in their concern about my safety in the wilderness of a faceless city, made a few arrangements for my pick up, and one of them was Maruvammaavan, a distant paternal relation, whom I had never met till then.

Of all, I could find only Maruvammavan in Delhi railway station, extending a warm welcome in his characteristic style. Thus started a relation that I cherish all along.

Curious as I am, I asked him once as to why did he take the trouble of coming to the railway station in the cold winter night to pick me up, though he does not know me.

He said, "I do not know you, but I know your father, though I have not met him for years now, since school days", exposing the sweetness of affection in his heart which he skillfully hides in his routine nonchallant demeanour. I found these pointing to deeper values of Indian culture (or, should I rather say human values) that are rare to find in the dog-eating-dog modern world

Association with him, though a short one, was so profound for me personally that it transformed thoroughly into a different person. He challenged me to challenge every unchallenged beliefs, dogmas and systems. It helped me break out of my social conditioning and live life the way I like, not the way others in the society expects me to live

Knowing values that he stood for, knowing what he has been going through, I do not want to shed tears as he departs.

My best memories about him are with his family, a family which bustled with vibrant life and radiated high positive energy. I saw him withstand a tough fate, with ammayi's departure in late 1980s. I saw his smile years later. But, I suspect life, deep within, was never the same since then.

As the inevitable fate catches up his great soul, I pray to the almighty that his soul may join Ammayi and rest in peace in the heavens above.

Happy New Year!

Another year has gone by! As a solid 365 days from blessed moments of my life went past me, have I grown wiser? But I hope the child in me has gone younger, even as I grow older. I do not really care

I think, the fire in me has stayed on; that is, my compassion for the world at large, and my love for people around me. That is me that I know, and that is my way of thanking God for all that He has given me

Personally for me,the year 2010 was a mixed bag! It was somewhat better than previous years. Yet the year had its own tumultous moments that shook me totally and left me drained out emotionally. It was support from my family and countably few friends that helped me tide over the crisis. Storm seems to be over, as I see serene peace all around, though devastation of stormy times has left the landscape untidy.

On professional front, I am continuing my journey that I commenced a couple of years back. It is a long journey, and I am compelled to keep details under veil of professional code of confidentiality. It is, nevertheless, challenging and, hence, interesting. I shall report on that probably 8-10 years later.

As we bid farewell to 2010, and move into a bright new dream world of hope, I wish you and your family a very happy and prosperous new year!

Love and trust, the very raison d'être!

An interesting video (in Hindi) about how a father (who is a farmer) gave up everything he had to bring up his son. The boy eventually cleared the prestigious Indian Civil Service examination, as a topper, to become an IAS officer.

Boy's achievements are inspirational, indeed. Also, it is good to see that him making a clear distinction between challenge (sangharsh) and problem (dukh).



Equally impressive is the love and trust extended by the farmer to his son.

Unconditional love and trust everything is given up for a cause (in this case, son's education and career) is, I believe, the essence of a human life.

Love completely when you love. Trust completely when you trust.

Conditional love is not love; I consider it to be more dangerous than hate or absence of love.

Conditional trust is not trust; I consider it to be more demeaning than distrust

Sweet memories, New dreams ....

An ocean, in a soliloquy!

I woke up as a new ray of hope caressed me all over. I saw a new star rising up in my sky, bright and smiling. Winds of change blew across, waves of passion rose up seeking to touch the heaven above, eventually crashing painfully into myself.

My joy knew no bounds, blushing in my innocence, as star of dream came closer. Alas! My dream left my world, as I streched my hands to charm my dream in a warm embrance, and a gloom of darkness filled my world.

My heart sank to depths unknown. I found a new serene world, free from the undercurrent of deceit and waves of tempest crashing into tears. As I slept in my new world of tranquil, a new dream was rising up in heavens above

Don't break my heart!

Break my thoughts, if you must
It makes me wiser
Break my way, if you must
It makes me stronger
But don't ever break my heart
'coz you are my heart

Learning to live wiser!

I learned about force of gravity!

I also learned that knowledge in itself does not make you wiser; to be wiser, knowledge must be enriched by experience!

I longed for experience, and I had a free fall!

Then, I truly experienced force of gravity, and I became wiser.

I learned to live being less wiser!!

Being the son of dharma!

Did you say, world hails me as a son of dharma? Did you say, world looks forward to me as righteousness personified?

Title is bestowed on me by the destiny, and not my claim!

Title weighs heavy on me as I struggle hard to live by wisdom of practical living, yet living a life of values, in a unique ashwamedha of my own.

It is not a title that I sought, nor I am seeking it now. I have no claims of being son of righteousness.

I am no god, I have no power of god. I am a simple man, acutely aware of my limitations

It is just that I try to be on the side of dharma. I do so because my conscience directs me to.

I seek the truth relentlessly, desperately. I seek the truth as my restless mind seeks.

I know, I am not good at playing dice but I played as the time played dice with me. I lost the gamble, and I lost all that I held dear to me.

Perhaps, that is destined. May be, long years of adversity and oblivion was destined. How else shall I describe the turn of events?

All that I was left with was my heart, my bleeding heart. I gambled as the game was played on. I saw my heart, all alone wailing as it was being stripped off its pride and dignity.

Advocates of social and human values stood as a mute witness to the disaster being unfolded.

Tell me, please, my mother. Tell me, please, my father. Tell me, please, my Gurus. Where did you vanish, leaving me alone? Why did I lose you on the other side of wall? You told me that dharma wins! You told me that truth alone wins!

Did you teach me wrong, or did I learn it wrong? or is it just a game of great illusion?

Hope of a bright, new day!

A past is laid to rest in archives
Leaving me all alone, all on my own
Searched for Me in my solitude
Searched for Me that I lost a long ago

Dark clouds thundered in my dreams
Wild storms gushed through my heart
Heaven broke down into tears
As waves of pain hit my shores

Far away, I saw your smile
A new ray of hope, lighting up my dreams
A hope of a new dawn, a new beginning
A bright, new day is born

Colors of my small world!

My mind was quiet
Time stood still
I was alone in my small world
I longed for a change

I saw you, I saw me
I saw the world in me
I saw the world in prism of my mind
I longed for a rainbow

Winds of change blew
Clouds filled my sky
Thunder and lighting made my day
World shook in pain

My heart broke
Tears dropped down my eyes
I made a kaleidoscope with my broken heart
I saw a rainbow

That is me!

You tell me a man does not cry
You tell me a man does not cheat
You tell me a man does not fall

Why give me tears if I should not cry
Why break my heart if I should not weep
Why agony, Why pain, Why bruises

Don't chain me with your rules
I break free of your endless rules
'coz I care for you but not your rules

I cry when it hurts hard
I cry when I see you cry
My heart breaks when I see your pain

I laugh when I am happy
I laugh when you laugh at me
I laugh at me, at my joke

I laugh at me for being a joke
A joke, not yet learned the art of living
A joke, not yet learned the art of deceiving

I laugh at my joke
A joke, that I made of the world
A joke, that I made myself to be

I cry because I am a man
I smile because I am a man
'coz I am what I am

I care not for name
I care not for fame
'coz it's all but a game

Hope of a new dawn!

Even as world is caught in drastic changes, it makes sense to reflect and wonder whether we are in the process of killing ourselves.

Even as we are caught in the rat race, it helps to pause, at times, and ponder whether we are missing the beauty of flowers at our feet in the haste to reach out to the moon.

Even as we strive for our goals in life, it pays to share our success and grow, because success sweeter when shared, because growth is easier when shared, because life is fun and life is also responsibility

Even as India is hailed as a world power, it would be a shame to bask in its glory while more than half of our brethren are left in the lurch, while Indian women are still dumped into wilderness of shame, apathy and misery

I am glad to note that fire of compassion and empathy in the hearts of Indian youth is not yet put out by the winds of change. I am happy to note that humanness has not yet been lost despite growing ambitions and aspirations of new India

It fills me with the hope of a new dawn of a whole new world.

Lamenting nostalgia of future!

Recently, I was teaching my kids about reflection and refraction of light. I was more than amused when they told me that they have not yet seen a rainbow except in silver screen or TV. Innocent question suddenly lured me years back into enchanting memories; to a past when life was so simple

I was brought up in Tripunithura, a suburb of Kochi (formerly Cochin). In the times of yore, I could eternally watch majestic approach of rain as benevolent rain gods showered his incessant love on us, gifting a loads of ripe, sweet mangos in a gentle breeze. Mythological stars of folklore of my land used to share space with Sherlock Homes and James Bond to live in my dreams, without grudges and squabbles of ethnic, racial, linguistic, religious divides.

Stop, my mind, please! World has moved far ahead than you have! Don't waste precious time, looking back and lamenting! Myths emerging out of painting to give caressing care of love to an innocent youth is long lost, in the blinding wisdom of modernity. Cuddling care and fond touch of nature is replaced by lullabies mechanically aired by wonders of electronics.

Yet, here I am, drifting across continents, fervently searching for the soul of Shakespere and Shelly; the soul that my teachers, who devoted their time and passion into archives of knowledge, showed me. Did I hear you say 'Much ado about nothing'?

I realize, rather late though, that separated by time and distance they may be but separated at heart, they were not.

Is my heart bleeding at the sharp cutting edge of technology? In the hope of reaching to the moon far away, have we missed the beauty of flower at our feet? As the lure of past is laid to rest in grim solitude of my mind, I heard a mysteriously distinct voice asking me quo vadis?'

A new day, a new dream, a whole new world!

I was sitting alone, all alone, with my eyes lost into vast horizon. Waves of passion was lashing my feet in gentle touch, and day was blushing under care and caress.

Far, far away, I saw sun walking alone into depths of cold darkness. Before I knew, I lost it into oblivion and it was dark all around. I lost myself into shrieking darkness

Then, I saw a ray of hope as you winked at me from above. I was relaxed, retiring into a quiet sleep.

When I woke after a peaceful sleep, the ray of hope thay you showed me was much brighter.

It was birth of a new day; a new dream, a whole new world

A glance into past!

I was taken into mid-late 1980s by a letter from a daughter of my first Guru from my formative days. (The letter was posted in an online discussion group of his family, and a cousin-friend was kind enough to forward it to me)

His name is Kodungallur Marumakan Raja (K M Raja). He is my uncle, by somewhat distant relation on my paternal side. I first met him on the very day I landed in Delhi, as he had come to the railway station to pick me up on my parent's request. I used to call him Maruvammavan, a malayalam equivalent of Marumakan-Uncle, since then. I was one of those visitors of his 'Hyde Park', till the time he left Delhi relocating himself at Bhopal.

I was touched by the write-up about Maruvammavan, titled 'Bringing Up Father', by his daughter. Tears drop down my eyes, as I read every line. Even the title of the write-up looks so appropriate to me as I was introduced by him to that cartoon strip titled the same.

I understand that he is suffering from dementia now. I met him once when his memories started failing, a few years back, and I met him recently a few months back. It was indeed hard to see in him in that state. I had to reconcile into a strange numbness with a realization that 'a flower falls even though we love it ....'

Tears in my eyes do not know Maruvammavan. But I know, and, I think, tears are being unfair to the proud and independent man that he is. Therefore, I decided to arrest my tears and write this piece.

He is one my earliest mentors, apart from my parents, and my first true Guru. I would, definitely, have been a different person (and, I am proud of what I am), had I not had the fortune of meeting him, and being with him in his prime (albeit, for a short while).

I proudly recall those debates and discussions, in the durbar of Maruvammavan, of which I was fortunate to have been part of (only for a short while, though). I recount those to my friends, on every occasion till date, and all my close friends, including my wife and kids, knows about most, if not all, of discussions.

His thoroughly independent nature may have ruffled a few feathers hear and there. It is just that, he dared to be different; he said and did what he believed is right. I am reminded of famous quote from Albert Einstein "Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds"

I believe that true great people are not found in glorified idols of archives but amongst us in our daily life. Greatness is not doing great things but doing small thing great. As a father of two girls, I have tried to emulate Maruvammavan but I am acutely aware that Maruvammavan is only one, and can be only one. It all looked so simple when he did.

I am at loss of words, and let me close saying 'hats off' to the great person that he is. I am glad to see his spirit living on through his daughters

Happy teacher's day!

I realise that I am what I am today, because of my parents, teachers, mentors and friends; parents being my first teachers!

Sadaasiva Samaarambham Sankaraacharya Madhyamaam
Asmadaacharya Paryanthaam Vande Guruparamparaam

I pay respect to all teachers starting from God almighty himself, great sages like Sankaraacharya, my own teachers.

Happy Onam!

In the land blessed by God, not yet completely ruined by man, it is now celebration time.

For others like me, who are away from this land, it is time of nostalgia; notalgia of a past long lost into annals of history.

This is perhaps the only place on earth which interacted with people from far off lands, even from the times of roman/greek civilizations, and accepted the differences. The differences are accepted without belittling them nor loosing once own identity; perhaps a lesson for the whole world as thousands of lives are lost in the name of trivial dogmas

I am glad to observe much of that spirit continues with us, even today.

For instance, take a look at malayalam movies in the past and now. Malayalam movies are unique in its portrayal of people of different ethnicity or language in heroic light, and that is accepted by the people!

Take a look at the language, it has accepted words from many other languages yet maintains its uniqueness.

Is this lack of identity or an identity in itself? Often, we hear cries of Kerala/Malayalam loosing its identity in the cultural melting pot of global village.

Identity of Kerala/Malayalam is not hardened fundamentalism of the weak but rather gentle openness of the strong. It is soothing peace from the land where heights of spiritual wisdom meets depth of humility. It is the land where king sacrificed his powers, and worldly existence, for the overall benefit of people. It is a place where divine worship goes beyond the confines of religious barriers and dogmas

I wish you all a very happy and peaceful Onam as Onam celebrations starts today


......
Aaru Chavitti Thazthilum, azhalin
Paathalathilolikkulum etho
Poorvasmaranayil Aahladathin
Lokathethum Hridayam

.......

Oru Thaarakaye Kaanumbol Athu Raavu Marakkum
Puthumazha Kaanke Varalcha Marakkum
Paalchiri Kandathu Mrithiye Marannu
Sukhiche Pokum

Courtsey: Poet Sugathakumari

Words roughly translate to mean:
Even when forced into submission or lost in depth of despair,
Human mind springs back into the world of happiness with nostalgic charm
.....
Forgets darkness of night in the beauty of even a lone star
Forgets droughts in the glory of rain
Forgets death on innocent smile of a child

Intellectual vaccum!

I am not a sociologist or economist, nor a follower of any specific socio-economic-political ideology. I am a curious observer of socio-political scene.

History of 20th century, as I see it, is dominated by two contrasting ideologies of communism and capitalism. These have its root in economics, both has influenced socio-political scenario around the world. Their influence was so high that it created a bi-polar world forcing most of the coiuntries to align with one of them

As a neutral observer, I did find merits in value proposition of both the ideologies, though I was not a fan of either. Rather, before I could see their value propositions being translated into actual value, both collapsed

What is interesting is, value proposition of communism was buried deep in its grave by its major advocates towards end of century. If what I am seeing is anything to go by, value proposition of capitalism is ready for its grave, being killed by its very proponents. It is being becoming clear, by now, that the notion of natural balance of free market was a matter of political convenience rather than being an ideology.

Is it not yet time for us to go back to our Swadeshi Movement